Humper in Hollywood

My agent had an idea. He was calling a number of his clients. I’m not sure where I fell between the first and last call. Not that it mattered.

The Phone Call

AGENT: I’m thinking you need to find a different name for your screenplays. Just a single name and something that pops like ‘Bopper’ or ‘The Drill.’

DAVID: They both sound mildly pornographic.

AGENT: Even better.

DAVID: I think my own name is fine.

AGENT: Little story for you, David. I was at the Wild Animal Safari Park in Escondido the other day.

DAVID: As a visitor or an exhibit?

AGENT: You’re f—ing hilarious. I went to see the camels. I love camels.

DAVID: Camels?

AGENT: The humps, the toes, little need for water… what’s not to love?

DAVID: Got a point there.

AGENT: So there was this camel, Dune…

DAVID: Like the film?

AGENT: Like a camel. And the zoo keepers, they were giving this big f—ing show about how Dune was afraid to go on concrete. They tried to lead him onto a sidewalk with hay, and sometimes he would take a scared step or two, but no more. A crowd had gathered to watch. You could use that in one of your f—ing stage plays.

DAVID: Sure, I’ve been thinking of doing a camel play.

AGENT: Thing is, I knew that camel. His name wasn’t Dune at all. It was Nick. I’d seen him just a few months before at the zoo. He’s changed his name to Dune, and now he acts like he’s afraid of concrete. That’s how he got out of the zoo and started running around the f—ing fake African plains of Escondido. Show business!

DAVID: I don’t think it was the same camel.

AGENT: It was. It was f—ing Nick! He changed his name, and you need to do the same. How about ‘Humper’?

My novel, written under my given name, is available here: The Last Island.